Why real transformation often happens when we feel calmer, not more pressured.
Somewhere along the line, many of us picked up the idea that change is supposed to be hard. That if we want to grow, heal, or improve something in our lives, we need to push ourselves up the hill (so to speak), excessively discipline ourselves, and forcefully power through resistance. We may have heard;
- ”Try harder.”
- ”Be stronger.”
- ”Push through.”
Those messages may feel motivating at first. Kinda like some fuel for our needed fire (so to speak). Over time, though, they can become exhausting, even discouraging, especially if you have been running with it but you feel stuck in mud.
Here’s the part that originally took me by surprise; change does not always come from more effort. Seriously think about it. If all it took were more effort, many of us would have what we were effort-ing for. Truth be known, oftentimes the brain and nervous system actually shift more easily when we feel calmer, safer, and more supported. Not when we are criticizing ourselves thinking that we need to do more, be more, blah blah blah.
- You do not have to force yourself to heal. (It doesn’t work that way.)
- You do not have to struggle your way into growth. (Growth is a process.)
- And you do not have to push harder in order to move forward. (What are we really pushing against?!)
Sometimes change unfolds more gently than we thought it would.
When we feel stressed, rushed, or overwhelmed, the nervous system tends to move into a protective mode. In that state, the mind is often more focused on getting through the moment than on learning new ways of thinking, feeling, or responding. This is one reason willpower alone can feel so exhausting. You can want to change deeply and still feel/be on an uphill climb. Trying harder from a tense or overloaded state can sometimes reinforce the very patterns you want to shift, not because you are doing anything wrong, but because your system band width is almost nonexistent.
One thing I have learned for myself and witnessed with many people is that when the mind feels more at ease, it becomes more flexible (not stuck in the mud). It’s more open to the possibilities. More open in general. More capable of experimenting with new responses and even having a little fun with it. From a neuroscience perspective, a sense of safety helps the brain to be in a receptive state. Receptivity supports learning and learning supports change. There’s a nice loop to be in!
Some people think that personal growth means digging up the past or reliving old experiences. Sometimes insight can be helpful, but meaningful change certainly does not require revisiting painful memories. The mind is capable of learning new patterns in the present moment, especially when it feels guided rather than pushed. Sometimes focusing on what we would rather be thinking or doing is the trusted guide for this process.
Approaches like hypnosis, guided relaxation and simple modalities like tapping, emotional freedom techniques, can really help the mind to experience new ways of responding in a calmer, more supportive way.
- You can build confidence without replaying old mistakes. (Focus on what you want.)
- You can ease anxiety without analyzing every trigger. (Play with letting the triggers now trigger you to what you want.)
- You can shift habits without shaming yourself. (All the shame in the world will not do any good.)
Have you ever had a well meaning friend tell you to just relax, to just calm down, just breathe?! Yikes! I don’t know about you, but my nervous system tends to respond better to en-couragement with reassurance than to commands.
Oftentimes the changes that take place with these types of modalities are very subtle. Small, steady shifts made from a calmer state often create deeper, longer-lasting change than big bursts of effort made from a stressed one. I love it when clients tell me they caught themselves doing or saying the very thing that they really want to be saying or doing.
In some of our cultures we’ve been fed the idea that growth should feel hard. That if something feels gentle or soothing, we just aren’t doing it right. That is so far from the truth and what our science supports. In reality, many of the most sustainable changes happen gradually, in subtle ways, and with far less strain than we thought necessary.
- You do not have to exhaust yourself to evolve. (If that worked we would already be evolved LOL.)
- You do not have to pressure yourself to improve. (I have to admit, sometimes this is a hard one for me.)
- You are allowed to grow in ways that feel supportive rather than punishing. (Please consider permission granted.)
If you have been trying hard and still feel stuck, it does not mean you are failing. It may simply mean your system needs a calmer, more compassionate approach. A calmer state of mind can open new doors of creativity, emotional resilience, wider perspective, and self-confidence often becomes more accessible when we are not in survival mode.
You don’t have to go it alone, and you don’t have to try so hard to change.
I offer a complimentary phone conversation so you can ask questions, learn what to expect, and see whether this feels like a good fit.
You can call me at 203-907-7710, or click the button below. I typically respond within 24 hours.
